Day Five Reflections
First, let me thank all of you that have responded on my blog or sent me a message of support. I want to tell you it gives me motivation and strength to power on. I appreciate your care and concern more than you know.
So its only Day 5. I know the minimum number of days here in Durham is likely 180, if not 250. There is a long way to go, but as long as progress is being made I’m ok. On that front. so far, so good, despite the Covid-19 realty. The rehab facility is now closed for all but the transplant patients. Today when I went in for my workout it was only one on one sessions with the transplant candidates in the entire facility. Duke is still doing about three lung transplants a week as long as that continues, they will continue to get those of us in waiting ready for our turn.
Given my high risk profile for the virus, other than going to workout, I’m largely house bound. What do I do when I’m at home? Cook delicious meals!
cooking a pot of Adobe Milling Pintos with chorizo. good for what ails you!
If I’m not cooking, or working on this blog, there are lots of crossword puzzles, reading and all of the news I can bear to watch,. There are also lots of idle moments of reflection about where I find myself at his point in my life..
Its in these moments, I realize I’ve had such an incredible life and have been so fortunate as well as lucky. My life took an amazing turn in 1978 when I bought control of Whole Food Company in New Orleans and Gillian Hannant asked me to marry her, I chose to to both, and both decisions turned out incredibly well for me. One lead to professional success beyond what I ever imagined for myself, the other to two amazing children: Emma and Molly and a long successful marriage and partnership. Even though our marriage ended in divorce in 2015, marrying Gillian was unquestionably one of the best decisions of my life. I’m forever grateful to her for all she gave and did for me for 35 years.
Prior to December 18th, when I learned I didn’t have much time left without a lung transplant, I had always thought I would never go this route. I had said “I’ll never have a lung transplant, if I get to that point, I’ll know my time has come, and I will check out knowing I lived a blessed life”. But when my bluff was called, I made a different decision. Why?
Let me recount a most interesting conversation I had a few weeks ago with Dr. John Haney here at Duke. He is one of the surgeons that does lung transplants here. The conversation clarified my reasons for going forward, even to myself. Dr. Haney was talking about the surgeries he does and how some are much riskier than others. He said “if you need a heart valve repaired, you would not be thinking clearly if you didn’t have it done. The benefit far outweighs the risk. I will talk people into going through with that procedure..”
He followed that up with “I would never talk anyone into doing a lung transplant. It’s a crazy surgery. I’ll cut you from one side to the other, lift your rib cage, put your heart on a heart-lung machine, take out your lungs, put the new ones in and hook everything back up. You have to understand this is a risky surgery and there are no guarantees.”
Gulp. We just looked a one another for a bit and then he asked me”Why do you want to do this? There is no shame in deciding you want to sit on your back porch in Pawleys Island and drink the rest of your wine collection. Why take the risk?”
I told him I felt I had more to do and important reasons to live. He responded “like what?” I said I had a daughter (Molly) that is halfway through a PhD program and I really want to see her graduate. He said “OK, what else?” I also said have an eight old granddaughter Juliana and he held up his hand and said “you can stop right there. What an 8 year old will remember about her grandfather is a fraction of what a 15 year old will remember. I think we can get you there, but I can’t guarantee it.” We shook hands (back when we could still do that) and agreed to move forward.
Juliana and me in November 2019 at Galatoire’s
I could have gone on and on with my reasons. I want to see the great things Emma is going to accomplish in her life. I want to see the fine young man Mo is on his way to becoming. Susie and I have many fun travels yet to enjoy. There is so many more good times with friends yet to be had, wonderful meals to cook, new countries to see……………………
And so I go forward. Taking it a day at a time. Saying over and over to myself “Here and now. Just as it is.”