The Irony of It All……..

It feels very strange to me when people say to me “I’m sorry you’re so sick.” I don’t feel sick at all, not even a little bit. In fact, I feel better than I have in years, now that I am properly oxygenated. In my mind, I’m not sick, but I do know my lungs have largely thrown in the towel and I’m attached to a machine 24/7. I totally understand the perception that if you need a double lung transplant, you must be really ill. I just don’t feel that way. So here’s the irony for me:

I’m going to undergo this massive assault to my body in order to replace both lungs, so I don’t have to be attached to the machine any longer and can breathe on my own. However, in order for my own immune system not to reject my “new” lungs, I will have to take very powerful drugs for the rest of my life that will make me sick! So I trade feeling great and the machine for feeling sick and no machine. What a bargain! It’s rich in irony for me.

The drugs are so toxic most people that have been transplanted become diabetic requiring insulin. Some even need dialysis because the drugs are so hard on the kidneys. The list of potential complications is very long and none of them look good to me. Of course not everybody has the full menu of complications but very, very few escape without any.

Here’s more irony: I have complete confidence I can heal from the physical assault. I know I can recover from the surgical wounds, regain my strength, learn how to breathe and swallow again. I got that. What I fear most is the drugs I have to take for the rest of my life. I have no option but to take them and hope for the best. My diet will need to be precise. My alcohol consumption zero. Recreational drugs totally out. Hot tubs verboten. Large crowds avoided. Daily prescription meds taken religiously. Blood tests monthly forever. Medical bills through the roof. For the rest of my friggin life. Oh Joy, gimme some of that!

So what I’m realizing at a deeper level is my life as I have known it is over, I’m starting a new chapter and I will need to explore new pathways to create joy in my life. When I think about no more Saints games in the Dome, no more Jazz Fests or Mardi Gras’, wearing masks on airplanes, no concerts,etc. I can get in a real funk, but what choice do I have but to move forward and trust its all going to be fine? None.

I saw first hand this week a guy with lung disease that waited too long to transplant. He was in my “transplant class” sucking two oxygen tanks dry every 30 minutes! He goes through approximately 40 tanks a day! Witnessing his suffering made it crystal clear I have no choice but to go forward. I’m not going down that road.

So what’s keeping a smile on my face as i face this adversity? I spoke to 10 year transplant survivor yesterday who offered a few pearls of wisdom for me. He said “you must develop a very healthy relationship with your lung disease. You must also keep your sense of humor.” I’m doing my damnedest to do so. Susie is doing her best to tease me and keep me laughing at myself. All of you are sending wonderful messages of love and support. But the best medicine has been laughter! I find after a big belly laugh everything seems just as it should be.

Sure many of you have seen this as we are all spending too much time on-line, but today this was my best laugh.

Keep the funnies coming, as well as the good books and podcasts.

If any of you would are reluctant to leave a comment because what you have to say feels too personal, please don’t hesitate to email me at peter@ricebluff.com. It has meant so much to hear from so many of you. Thank you. I hate that it has taken this for us to be in touch and I absolutely take responsibility for my part in that.

I’m reflecting a lot on my life. I’m sure that comes as no surprise. I’m looking for silver linings in the pandemic we are all facing. It is a generational challenge and despite the epic tragedy, and the failures in leadership that made it so much worse than it needed to be, there is good that come come from it. Be in touch with the people you love and care about. Take more walks and more bike rides. Spend more time alone. Read more. Listen to more good music. Reflect on where you are in your life and what you can do to help and serve others. I am doing that now and suspect many of you are doing it as well. It feels good, right? Let’s not fall asleep again.

Let me close tonight with this wonderful ballad of our times. A just released song by Jackson Browne. I think I listened to it five times today already. Click on the link. You won’t be sorry. Sadly Jackson was diagnosed with the virus the day after the song was released. Thank you Chico Lager for sending it to me.

Good night. Stay healthy. Go wash your hands!