Another Bump on the Road
If there is anything I’ve learned thus far in this adventure, its I’m not in control! What’s happening, and when it’s happening are being determined by the transplant team and not by me. The only thing I can hope to control is my attitude and my reactions to their decisions. Some times it a lot easier to do than others.
I was sure I would be “listed” by now and ready for the transplant surgery to happen any day. After the committee met last Tuesday, i expected a call with the good news. It didn’t happen. Another test was ordered. The results were inconclusive, so yet another test was ordered. The results were good, and thus no reason for concern. So surely, this would be the week I would be listed. Finally!
Not so much. The call I was waiting for telling me I was listed was not about that at all. It was about an anomaly found in my blood. So another test ordered for tomorrow with results not until Friday. Ugh!
I appreciate the thoroughness in which they are proceeding. They are leaving leaving little to chance and understanding as much as they can before undertaking the transplant. I get it, and appreciate it, but my expectations where in a different place. That’s my bad.
What frustrates me is I’ve have learned this lesson before:. I know this to be true: “managing one’s expectations is a key to happiness.” I know for myself, regardless of the circumstances, if my expectations are exceeded, it brings me joy. Be it a meal, a book, an interaction or an experience. If my expectations are exceeded, I’m happy. The converse is also true. If my expectations are not met, regardless of how great the experience was, there is a feeling of disappointment and let down. Ergo, manage your expectations appropriately!
I let mine get away from me this week and paid the price. I felt frustrated and got depressed yesterday after meeting with the hematologist and learning of the test they have planned for me in the morning. Last night I didn’t sleep well and realized in the wee hours the mistake I made. Once again I let my expectations run away with me, as if I were in control. Ha!
So today is another day of working out, on line classes, reading, writing and seeking a belly laugh some where.
Since I’m not at my own home, there’s not a list of projects I’ve put off for eons that I can work on.. No closets to clean, drawers to organize or windows to clean. So I’ve undertaken the daunting task of cleaning out my computer and looking through all of the files that warranted a “save” at some point in my past.
There have been some wonderful moments re-lived. Two of my favorites I think are so special I’ll share them with you. The first is Billy Crystal’s eulogy of Muhammad Ali. You may have seen it before, but I think it warrants another viewing. If you haven’t every seen it, it is a must:
The second part of this is the clip of the routine Billy refers to in his eulogy “15 Rounds.” He did this in 1979 when he was first starting out as a comedian. Watching these clips have made me laugh and tear up every time I’ve watched them. It certainly helps if you’re of the age to have lived through the 60’s & 70’s but still think these are wonderful pieces of cultural history.
I appreciate all of the book recommendations. Seems like every day there is another book arriving. I’ve already mentioned American Dirt being a very worthwhile read. I want to follow that up with “A Long Petal in the Sea” by Isabel Allende. Both books I hated to see end.
Thank you again for all of the love and support I’m receiving from you. It helps a lot. A special shout out to Susie and Mo, who are having to live through this with me in real time. To Ann and Lex for being at our beck and call and provided our home base. To Sioux Watson and Kate Medley for the wonderful muffins. And to Gillian Roy for reaching out and such a great conversation yesterday. It made a tough day a lot better.
I want to end with this post with amazing poem by the Irish priest Richard Kendrink about these times we are all facing.
LOCKDOWN by Fr. Richard Kendrick
Yes, there is fear.
Yes, there is isolation.
Yes, there is panic buying.
Yes, there is sickness.
Yes, there is even death.
But………….
They say that in Wuhan after so many years of noise
You can hear the birds sing again.
They say after just a few weeks of quiet
The sky is no longer thick with fumes.
But blue and grey and clear.
They say that in the streets of Assisi
People are singing to each other
Across empty squares,
Keeping their windows open.
So that those who are alone
may hear the sounds of family around them.
They say that a hotel in the West of Ireland
Is offering free meals and delivery to the housebound.
Today a young woman I know
Is busy spreading fliers with her number
Through the neighborhood
So that elders may have someone to call on.
Today churches, synagogues, mosques and temples
Are preparing to welcome
And shelter the homeless, the sick, the weary.
All over the world, people are slowing down and reflecting
All over the world, people are looking out for their neighbor in a new way
All over the world, people are waking up to a new reality
To how big we really are
To how little control we really have
To what really matters
To Love
So we pray and remember that
Yes, there is fear,
But there does not have to be hate.
Yes, there is isolation
But there does not have to be loneliness.
Yes, there is panic buying
But there does not have to be meanness.
Yes there is is sickness
But there does not have to be a disease of the soul.
Yes, there is even death
But there can always be a rebirth of love.
Wake to the choices you make about how to live now.
Today, breathe.
Listen behind the factory noises of your panic.
The birds are singing again,
The sky is clearing
Spring is coming.
And we are always encompassed by Love.
Open the windows of your soul
And though you may not be able
to touch across the empty square
SING